2nd aug

2nd august 2010

****WARNING CONTAINS INFO ABOUT MY BOWEL FUNCTIONS****

SHITTTE THIS FOOD IS GOOD!

Ok its official I have travellers stomach (i hope). African food is good, but I was warned by various people in the UK and pretty much everyone here, that my stomach would not appreciate the food as much as my palate. They were right! I have been so careful though, boiling water, brushing my teeth with boiled water, drinking bottled water, washing my hands ALL the time, wiping down cutlery that was not mine, argh the list goes on.

I guess I made two fatal mistakes, mistake one was allowing a local to cook for me, not once but twice and mistake two, (which I think I deserve to be ill from) was (up until today), eating hospital food and oh lord am I paying for this. Thing is ya don’t get a sore tummy, you just have increased flatuance, that U KNOW dont smell right and then shortly after the most uncontrollable need to defecate. I haven’t been caught short just yet but i heed this warning from Unas sister ‘dont trust a fart’.

Thanking my mate Sam for providing me with over a hundred see-through plastic food bags, cos man alive they have come in handy for waterproofing vital stuff. For example, I have had to make myself a POO bag. My Poo bag contains:

Toilet roll

Wet wipes (im running low on –slight panic)

Hand gel

Hand wash

Diarrhoea relief tablets

Rehydration powder

A torch

A spare pair of marks and Spencer’s finest Bridget Jones pants

Painkillers

This bag goes with me everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I don’t think that I have described toilets here in Kenya. Oh lord. Three type of toilets exist here.

1. Long drops –simply a deep hole in the ground surrounded by four walls

2. Long drops with seated area. –simply a deep hole covered with a box with a toilet seat placed on top.

3. A proper toilet with or without a flush.

The type of toilet that greets you in your moment of need really depends on where you are in the country, rural areas tend to have long drops, posh areas tend to have toilets as we know them to be.

I have not used a clean toilet so far. By far the worst toilet that I encountered was the one in a hotel in Siaya. I had that urge and hurried as fast as I could with my poo bag to the nearest place that looked like it had a toilet. I was ushered to the loo, (I think the desperation was visible on my face), oh my god, ok it was a long drop –expected, but someone, (prob a man) had just pooed and completely missed the long drop hole and had managed to frame the border of the long drop hole with faeces. There was nothing I could do and the smell was SO BAD SO SO SO SO bad. Thankfully my poo bag is the virgin alantic bag given to me on my outward journey, and comes with a shoulder strap. Despite my rectum ready to explode, I managed to roll up my linen, place my shoes firmly on the ground, close enough to the hole so I aimed right but away enough to stop me slipping on the frame of faeces (could you fucking imagine?), have wet wipe ready in one hand and tissue in the other, pulled down my lower garments and well, fucking missed. I splashed on my socks, my legs and my plimsolls. Ergh. Distraught mate. But there was no time to think about the situation, as I was convinced a queue was forming for the loo. (there was no one outside by the way, this perception (paranoia) was a side effect of the malarone that Im taking) anyhow, I managed to wetwipe myself clean take of my socks, threw them away and just figured that at least I could get the matatu (bus) home without shitting myself.

Since this (last week) I have become a pro at hovering and aiming. Poo dosnt bother me now, to be honest the poo here is a lot purer than in England, all the people eat here is veg, beef, maize etc, E numbers are pretty much absent from most of the foods. Even the Cadburys milk chocolate, that I bought myself as a treat tasted bland and just lacking that something something (E123456789 –prob lol).

Dont be alarmed by the above thou, despite my output pretty much being everything that I input into my body, I am rehydrating myself well, I have vitamins, stuff for my stomach and I feel fine except bloody headaches which could be or not be malaria –now that would be EXCITING RIGHT.